Ayesha Ashley

Do you need a translator at work?

Do you feel as if you are not understood by your boss or colleagues at work? Do they sometimes give instructions that make little sense to you? This is very likely to be a question of Personality Type. When we study Personality Types, we begin to see how often our built-in ways of seeing the world become points of misunderstanding for other types of people.

To simplify our example, we can imagine  two types of people in the communication world–the  Sensor and the  Intuitive. See if you can identify yourself….it’s fun and it can open your eyes!

The Sensor wants the facts, the details, and hard, concrete data while the Intuitive wants to know Why? What if… what’s the concept/Big Picture?. These two types are opposites and they get into each others hair, especially when it comes to instructions or ways of reporting results.

Has this ever happened to you? You are given a project or report to do and you have a meeting with your supervisor. S/he says, ‘This is an important report. We need to know how the way the grant is funded will impact our options in the next two years. I’d like you to look at all the categories of expenditures and create a report so we can plan more effectively.’

You’re thinking, ‘How long should it be? What categories are most important? When is it due? Who will work with me on this? How would they like this report organized? How many copies will I need? Whose signatures will be needed? My boss is setting me up to fail. S/he won’t give me the information I need to do this the right way.’

In fact, your boss is talking like the Intuitive s/he is! You will have to ask about the details, because s/he probably has not thought about them! Just knowing about Types can relieve you of the need for blame/complaint, etc…just ask for what YOU need to know to do your report.

Remember when you were in third grade and you had to write some sentences? No doubt, your teacher (56% of grade school teachers are Sensors) told you to write your name in the upper left hand corner, one inch from the left margin and one inch from the top of the paper. Then there were more very detailed directions for each part of the paper.

If you’re a Sensor, you’re happy—now you know the right way to do this.

If you’re an Intuitive, you’re thinking, ‘My name on the paper identifies who wrote it—what earthly difference could it make where I put it as long as it’s visible and legible?’ For the intuitive the WHY trumps the HOW every time.

If you’re a Sensor boss and you meet your Intuitive admin assistant, and you start off with a list of tasks in great detail, like ‘Tomorrow make sure you assemble all of the files on the 2008-9 ad campaigns, collate them by product and quarter and then make sure each file contains all invoices, etc etc …’ Your intuitive might ask you, ’WHY are we doing this?’

Are they challenging your authority? Not at all—they just don’t understand how all those activities are connected and why it’s important to do them in that order. They probably could find a more efficient way to accomplish the task if you said, ‘We need to get last year’s advertising costs ready by product and quarter so we can compare them with current bids.’

Which type are YOU? Your boss? Your spouse? Do you see how this may have been a place of ongoing—and unnecessary– irritation for both of you?

Just knowing they—and you!– are wired to be the way they are is a big help–if you love details, you may bore your Intuitive friends with them. If you love the big picture, you may sound to your Sensor friends as if you are not grounded or just don’t know the details.

In any company or team, we need BOTH types of people to give us the  fullest perspective on any task. Our trainings on Personality and Type can help maximize your productivity, customer service and work satisfaction noticeably!

Got a second? Got two?

Remember we were talking about how limited our conscious attention is? We can hold only 5-9 bits of information at any one time in our conscious mind. Our brain, meanwhile, is recording everything we experience all the time-even when we are asleep or under anaesthesia.

Do we ever get access to this stored treasure-trove of information? Frequently!

Ever get a first impression that is compelling? For example, when we look at someone and know that we are attracted to them within the first 30 seconds of meeting them, or we recognize that something is wrong and leave an area that feels unsafe, suddenly?

We’ve all had these experiences-AND they are valid. In fact, they are often more valid than decisions we over-research or worry about-because they are based on millions of bits of information–way more than we process consciously.
The problem for most of us is that, as Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle states, if you know the position of an electron, you can’t know its velocity—the two phenomena are not perceivable at the same time.

Similarly, when we get a message from our deep unconscious mind,
we cannot ever know HOW we know!

In fact, if we try to justify our knowing by getting our limited conscious mind to ‘explain’ it, we can overwhelm it and eliminate the advantage that sudden intuitive knowing gave us.

We can remember faces easily—even though we haven’t seen someone for years. But if you are asked to write out a detailed description of that person, you quickly find that ‘one picture is worth a thousand words’-and, in fact, our description is less accurate than any picture!  We can all recognize the taste of a strawberry, but nobody has the vocabulary to even begin to describe this taste to another.

Malcolm Gladwell, in his fascinating book, Blink, talks about what he calls thin-slicing, which means leaping to a conclusion using a bare minimum of conscious information. Being able to do this is part of what makes us human, and we rely on our unconscious ability to do this every day.

This is the world of first impressions, of snap judgments -possibly life-saving-, stereotypes and, yes, of prejudices.

When we have a limited set of experiences with a different ethnic or cultural group, we tend to fall back on stereotypes. We espouse the knee-jerk judgments of our cultural programming—for example, we prefer tall white men as authority figures, which is a truly cultural prejudice.

Gladwell found that of the millions of men under 5’6”, only 10 reached the level of CEO in Fortune 500 companies!  Even more startling is the discovery that, although men over 6’ tall comprised about 14% of the population, they totaled 58% of the CEOs!

We clearly have an unconscious bias towards tall men as leaders, and a prejudice against shorter men—and women and other minorities!

These cultural programs are so pervasive that the bias towards whites and against African Americans is found even in African Americans!

Clearly, we can have a set of conscious values that puts us in the ‘unbiased’ category, while our unconscious is programmed to react very quickly using the cultural prejudices we inhale on all sides from the moment we learn language—and possibly before!

This is distressing to people who believe they are fair and evenhanded, unprejudiced and just in their conscious values. Am I a closet racist/sexist/whatever? There are several interesting conclusions found in Blink from new research that sheds light on our conditioning—I certainly recommend the book to anyone who wants to know more about this phenomenon.

How can we unprogram ourselves?

Gladwell posits that increased familiarity with other varieties of people from different cultures and classes can broaden our unconscious data base and soften our knee-jerk prejudices. We can cultivate this acceptance intentionally; it is difficult to overcome decades of programming by the culture and the media, but the ability to include more and diverse kinds of people in our world leads to higher vibrational consciousness. Love, calibrated at the 500 level is all-inclusive—no more ‘us’ and ‘them’.

Every person who reaches this level has a great affect on the consciousness shared by all human beings.

If we rely so much on our intuitive flashes to navigate in our world, what happens to those who don’t have this ability?

People who are born autistic are missing the function of part of the brain that enables us to ‘read’ each others’ minds and intent. For autistics, people are among the countless ‘things’ to notice in the world. They record and store data and memories, but are unable to participate in the world of social and emotional events as they are ‘mind blind’ to the intent and emotional emanations of others.

Autistic people are intelligent and can learn—remember the Rain Man?- but the intricacies of social connections are closed to them unless they train themselves to learn to interpret signals the rest of us perceive and understand in a blink. This is a very hard task and few achieve the skills they need to close the gap. High-functioning autistics have had to learn by practice what the rest of us intuit easily.

In highly stressful situations—like having a person point a gun at us—our brain goes into survival mode, overrides our usual values and goes right back to the prejudices. We go into narrow focus and lose the subtleties. We become ‘mind blind’ for a crucial instant.
This is where mistakes are made and say, police officers shoot an innocent person because he seemed to be threatening and they had to make a life-or-death decision in a very short span of time.

On page 233, Gladwell quotes Keith Payne, a psychologist:

“When we make a split-second decision…we are really vulnerable
To being guided by our stereotypes and prejudices, even ones we may not necessarily endorse or believe.”

Payne worked with police officers to see how to correct this kind of ‘stress judgment’. The only difference Payne could make in the results of his experiment about snap judgments was to slow it down and by  “…forcing people to wait a beat before identifying the object on the screen.”

Gladwell continues, “Our powers of thin slicing and snap judgments are extraordinary. But even the giant computer in our unconscious needs a moment to do its work.” (p 233)

Doesn’t this resemble our idea that we can make a better decision if we only pause and notice-then adjust, if necessary-our state of mind? I believe so.

Gladwell discusses research that shows that police officers and soldiers can be trained to use the first 2 seconds of intuitive knowing better if they repeat stressful interactions until a new response can be learned which integrates their intuitive ‘instant’ knowing and results in their ability to delay their reflexive response.

Most of us, thankfully, are NOT placed in life-or-death situations daily, so we can learn this essential  skill at our leisure. For soldiers and police, it requires lots of practice: people who train to rescue hostages have to be both quick AND accurate–yet they learn to tell the bad guys from the hostages almost instantly.

We can do this as well—in fact, it’s the same process! Although police officers and those in combat need to assess the outer world quickly and we are talking about our inner world, taking an extra second or two can give us what we need to make better
We don’t have to give up anything or relinquish our human powers of intuitive knowing—we CAN pause and let our incredible unconscious computer serve us more effectively.

Do you know what your purpose is in this life? Do you have the sense that you are here on a ‘mission’ of some kind? Do you wish you knew what it was?

When I lived in the spiritual community known as the Emissaries, the founder of that group, who called himself Uranda, had written many talks which were later put into book form. These sermons, or talks, covered huge areas of understanding about life and how to best live every day.

One of the most important ideas to come from Uranda was that we, as human beings, stand in a particularly important place in the world. If you make a large X, according to Uranda, human beings stand at the crossover point between heaven and Earth. The top part of the X is our ‘heaven’ and the part on the bottom is our Earth.

We each create on Earth what is in our heaven. If our heaven is full of negativity, it is more like Hell—and that is what we will manifest in our world—the world we each create and live within. If our personal heaven is full of positive thoughts and vision, we will create that in our lives.

AND, if our heaven is aligned with the ‘will of God’/ the rhythms of the Tao/whatever sacred name you use, we will be in the flow of Spirit.

Because we are at the crossover point between Spirit, which is invisible, and the manifested world, we get to be the gatekeepers—nothing manufactured in our life on Earth is created without our participation! (I’m NOT including mountains oceans, trees and animals, etc—they got here first!)

I’m talking about art, cities, wars, religions, cathedrals, clothing, ballet, guns, philosophies,elections, countries, sciences, business-all the things and events that come about because of human endeavor, will and vision. These are given as our province, under our stewardship—what we have in our personal ‘heaven’ will manifest in our personal world.

Because God/the Tao is a spirit, invisible and unable to move matter in the world—pick up a cup or a pencil, say—this spiritual force operates through moving US—our bodies, hearts and minds—so that we act to fulfill the will of God/the flow of the Tao.

Does this mean that every act that occurs on Earth is the Will of God? It sure doesn’t seem like it is!! What’s happening?

It turns out that, in order to do the Will of God/the Tao, we need to be listening for that in our consciousness, our Heaven. If we have a lot of static, we can’t hear that Tone—we hear the voice of our own little egos, which are only willing to do what THEY want—forget God/the Tao! The voice of our ego IS the static that drowns out the voice of Spirit.

Coming to a place where we can hear the subtle Tone that can guide us to Right Action is a long journey—but it’s the only game in town, really. Until we are still enough to perceive the ‘still, small voice’ of spirit, we will continue to manifest the desires and fears of the little self with its large ego. When we focus on our fears, that’s what we get more of.

Does tuning out/overriding the ego mean that we have to give up everything we desire and live like monks or nuns?

Not really—although I can tell you, it is easier to become clear in a community of like-minded people. Nevertheless, we can find our perception of the Tone anywhere, provided we know how to do this (Centering, clearing our emotions, prayer/ affirmations—many strategies).

Ever been in a situation where you KNOW the right thing to do, but you choose to go with your ego? I’ve done this a thousand (a million?) times—AND, when you’re ready to align yourself with the tone of Spirit, you will find a way. You will meet a book, a Teacher, a Path that draws you onward towards this perception—if you seek it.

The old saying, ‘When the student is ready, the Teacher appears’ certainly applies here.

One day, when I was living in the community, a young German man came to our rather hard-to-find hotel in the country village of Mickelton, about 3 miles from Stratford in England. He had been traveling in South America when he found a paperback written by Martin Cecil somewhere in a youth hostel. He read it, was moved to find us and hunted us down. He stayed several months with us!

Uranda used to say that if you are doing your particular part of the work of God, no matter where you are, your true partner would be attracted to you, even if they had to come from the ends of the Earth! I’m reminded of Jane Goodall, deep in the forest studying ‘gorillas in the mist’. Into her life walked a Dutch photographer who stayed with her for several years!

What’s the first step? Realize that your thoughts create your life. Be systematic—replace your ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ with positive goals and images. See, hear and feel how you would feel as someone who loved yourself and loved your life—just as you are right now.

Whatever you can’t love right now, investigate it—you’ll find that you have unexamined beliefs about life/yourself that you can look at and handle with the help of the Byron Katie Work at www.thework.com .

You’re just a few new thoughts away from a new life! I’ll meet you there.

You might say, ‘Well, I have many roles that I play in this life’- and you’d be right. But is there a Role that is part of your very core essence? A set of traits and desires that is at the heart of you? How would you know what this Role is? How many Roles are there, anyway?
After studying the Michael Life Path system for over 25 years, I have begun to provide readings for people who want to know more about the quality and nature of their Essence–the part of us that does not change  as we go through many lifetimes. The key part of this Essence is our Role.
According to the Michael material, there are seven roles: Server, Warrior, Artisan,Scholar, Sage, Priest and King. The Server is about 25% of the world population, the Warrior about 17%, the Artisan 22%, the Scholar 14%, the Sage 10%, the Priest 8% and the King 4%.
When I found out my Role, many years ago, I saw at once how it showed up in my life every day, and how it influenced many of my actions and desires.

Since each Role has two ‘poles’–a positive and a negative one (the positive pole is operating when we act from Love and the negative pole when we act from Fear), I was able to see right away which pole I was acting from by observing myself. Knowing this information helped me to understand myself in greater depth and to come to terms with some of my life decisions–they all made sense in the light of my Role.

To make this more concrete for you, My Role in Essence–the way I was created by the Tao/God/what you call the One Being— is King. This is a rare role (4%) and it is concerned with  Action. People with this Essence seek to be leaders and feel responsible for everything that happens in their ‘realm’. They assess a situation quickly and make decisions with ease.

When I found out that I had a King essence, it made big sense to me. After all, I was a teacher, very decisive, concerned with leading my students into realms of greater knowledge and skill, and I always somehow felt that ‘if it happens in my room, it’s my responsibility’.

Being a King is rather hard for a woman–it is not a very feminine role–indeed, it is the most masculine–more even than the Warrior–the king commands the Warrior, not so? As I thought about how this essence has impacted my whole world view, I saw that the best thing for me to strive for in this life would be the positive pole of the King: Mastery .–mastery of oneself, of knowledge, of skills, etc.

I always tried to know as much as I could in any subject so that I could explain it to my students masterfully–eloquently and clearly. AND, I also caught myself in the negative pole, too–which is, of course, Tyranny! This state is fairly easy to spot as other people will point it out to you if you  haven’t noticed it yourself!

There are many other parts to the Michael reading, which I do using my pendulum. After 25 years of using a pendulum, I can count on its accuracy–still I always double-check.

If you are interested in knowing more about yourself through a reading, just email me at the address given in the CONTACT ME category.

Are you a pleasure-seeker or a pain-avoider?

The answer to this question governs the WAY in which you live your life every day!

Do you work to AVOID debt and the miseries of poverty OR do you SEEK work/activities for the pleasure of doing something you enjoy/believe in?

Although I have pursued many lines of inquiry about how we function in life, somehow this most basic—and perhaps definitive—question has not come to my mind often. I now realize that, looking back over my life, I have been a major pain-avoider. That is, I did most things so I would NOT FACE BAD CONSEQUENCES.

There’s nothing wrong with that approach—many-if not most!- people confront life in that way. AND I have not had really bad consequences to face (no terminal illnesses or imprisonment/exile).

The problem with this attitude is that one’s life is lived in FEAR-defensively avoiding risks. If we are truly phobic we can draw the fear to us (‘That which I feared has come upon me.”)

Living ‘defensively’ means being mentally ready to fend off the next blow from capricious life, which is perceived as dangerous and requires us to maintain vigilance lest we be caught up in disaster/pain/debt/whatever crisis we fear.

Many people who were raised in severely abusive families, as I was, recognize this stance as the one we took as children. Pain/abuse was capricious, unpredictable, undeserved and frequent. Usually, there was little warning and no escape from the ‘wrath of God’/ parents.

When this conditioning is present, we often resort to bargaining with life. I know I decided that if I was a REALLY GOOD GIRL, then I could escape the random punishments that were my lot as a child.

Developing integrity is definitely something that everyone in the world needs—it builds character and allows us to be trusted by others.

AND, if this is a quid pro quo—“Look, God, I’ll follow all your rules all the time, so you won’t ever need to punish me” – then we are living with an internal monitor that is rigid and even more unforgiving and unjust than our dysfunctional parents!

Having a harsh judge in your head means that there is no ‘time off for good behavior’. At any moment, you could fall into disgrace and then—watch out!

I realized today that I have indeed been living with such an attitude and indwelling critic all my life—and, frankly, I’m fed up and I’m not willing to live this way any more!

What’s the alternative? Moving TOWARDS what we love or desire.

I’m unaccustomed to asking myself what it is I want to move towards—living in fear takes a lot of energy (making sure all the borders are safe!)!

For the rest of today (the rest of my life??) I will be asking myself every 10 minutes or so, ‘What is it I want right now?’

If it’s something I can do/get, I will MOVE TOWARDS IT—training myself every day to ask myself and to KNOW what I want to move towards…that’s the first step.

I’ll get back to you after I’ve done this for awhile
and tell you what I’ve discovered.

Meanwhile—are you AVOIDING WHAT YOU FEAR or MOVING TOWARDS WHAT YOU DESIRE?

Let’s move towards joy--it’s been waiting for us for a long time!

My current email address is ayesha655@gmail.com.

How would you know? What’s the difference between a bully and someone who has legitimate power over you, like your boss or teacher or parent?

It’s a question of abuse of power—we all have power over someone—think about it. When you are in a restaurant, you have power over your waitperson—they have to please/serve you in order to keep their job/get a tip.

Key question: How do you treat them? Do you boss them around, criticize their service, insist they take the food back all the time, etc? (I’m assuming that the conditions are generally satisfactory and most people would not send things back, etc).

Some people routinely act as if the waiter/waitress is their personal slave….THAT’s being a bully.

It’s almost too easy to abuse power—and we’ve all done it, thank you. I still cringe when I remember times I have bullied people into agreeing with my opinion, so this is not an academic issue for me—it’s a real one.

I try to be alert to such tendencies whenever I’m in an encounter. If we are honest with ourselves, we will notice that we have cowed someone by our position, knowledge or strength at times.

We all manipulate each other by our words and actions in order to get what we want; bullies add a dimension of force to their manipulations. ‘Do this or else…’

We’ve all had experience with bullies—usually in the schoolyard, sometimes with a parent who was a bully, or with a boss who thinks he’s the New Napoleon.

Usually—if you stand up to a bully—and they might hurt you—they will respect you and back off. (If they are truly vicious, I wouldn’t try it—fortunately, the truly ugly, vicious bullies are not a large part of the population. This is no consolation if they’re in your world.)

Here I’m more interested in how I can avoid abusing whatever power I have…. After all, we’re responsible for our words and acts, no? Being a bully is probably the fastest way to earn bad karma and an ugly reputation as a nogoodnik.

The best way I’ve found is to monitor my words and emotions as I’m arguing with/ convincing another person: am I going over the line from persuasive to abusive? Then I need to back off, calm down and moderate my tone/behavior.

As usual, the answer is self-awareness.

A good practice is to keep 50% of your attention on YOURSELF as often as you can. That way, we are not lost in the argument/situation and can make changes before we need to make apologies or have regrets.

How can we keep some attention on ourselves?

BE AWARE OF YOUR BODY—YOUR FEET ON THE FLOOR, YOUR BODY IN THE CHAIR, YOUR BREATHING OR PULSE as well as what is going on outside you.
WHEN WE CENTER, WE ARE HOME AND AWARE.

You are not alone!. About 15% of our population is afflicted with hypersensitivity; if you ‘can’t stand’ sounds that are ‘too loud’, light that is ‘too bright’ and clothing that has irritating labels that scratch your skin, you might be one of us!

You probably dress for comfort, since anything that is tight or scratchy can drive you crazy. Probably you have been criticized for being too fussy and sensitive.

There is a good book called, “Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight” that explains this syndrome (my apologies to the author of this excellent book if I have forgotten your name—I hope this will be enough information for others to find your book and read it—you opened my eyes and made me understand something I thought I’d just have to live with and be embarrassed about.)

If you are hypersensitive, you will probably be thought of as ‘neurotic’ by your tougher-skinned friends. What’s more important, though, is to recognize that 15% of everyone is a LOT of people—you are NOT alone/neurotic/whatever—you ARE super-aware of the environment around you and if it is loud, glaring, scratchy, tickly or whatever gets your attention, you react to it more than most people… (rap music has its own place in my array of Things to Avoid like the plague because of its loudness and underlying angry vibe).

You will probably need to tell your lover about your sensitivity (although they probably know about it already) and reassure them that it’s not THEM, but your condition that makes you so fussy about your surroundings (music, lighting,softness and how you are touched.)

Patiently explain to them/show them how YOU like to be touched…and reward them when they get it right!

And, no, we don’t need a handy drug from Big Pharma to ‘correct’ this condition—you have probably already created a surrounding environment that works for you. You just need to be OK with yourself—then other people will accept it more readily.

Remember—the world loves us as much as we love ourselves!

If you had to spend your life on a desert island, what books would you take with you? (I’m assuming that TV and your palm pilot are not available/have no service.)

Here’s a list of some of my favorite books for your consideration:

Power versus Force by David R. Hawkins (This book gives you an insight into the vibrational levels of various states of mind so that you can notice where you are vibrationally at any moment–then you can change your state upwards (by Centering or using the Byron Katie 4 questions) so that you are above the 200 level, which is where your life begins to work for you.)

Loving What Is by Byron Katie (An indispensable book that walks you through the four questions that will help you clear out your negative thinking–a must!)
Realities (an ebook available at wwwfieldcenter.org) (Shows you how to align yourself with your ideal self and create a new life–the best tools available right now.)

Any book on the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson (This will open your eyes to your Enneagram type, which will show you the cluster of traits and beliefs you have been using and how to transcend your early programming.)
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse (Hesse’s masterwork about the journey of the Buddha and the story of every Seeker, told in exquisite language. Inspiring.)
The Four Agreements and Beyond Fear both by Miguel Ruiz (Ruiz makes clear what Carlos Castaneda in the 70s made mysterious. Find out at last what ‘Don Juan’ wanted us to know. Very practical.)
The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle (The voice calling us to Presence.)
Please Understand Me by Keirsey and Bates (Information about the traits you exhibit and the careers and interaction patterns you normally are comfortable in. Very useful for knowing yourself.)
‘Blink’, ‘The Tipping Point’ and ‘Outliers’, all by Malcolm Gladwell Three excellent books about how trends are set (Tipping Point),how our intuition can work for us (Blink) and how great people get that way (Outliers).

‘The Presence Process’ by Michael Brown–an excellent set of mental/emotional exercises and meditations that take 10 weeks to do and can turn your life around!

Something in this book is true, by Bob Frissell—the journey of a Rebirther and devotee of Babaji; some very practical ways to expand your consciousness.
Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight by Thom Hartmann (An eloquent and compelling argument for using technology wisely and reversing our environmental predicament.)

Anything written by Dave Barry (Laugh and relax!)

It’s not news, it’s FARK by Drew Curtis (Details why you no longer trust the news to give you, well… news.)

Are We Rome? by Cullen Murphy (Beautifully written, literate and well-documented consideration of this question.)

This is the list that came to me today–I’ll add to it/write another post as and when I read another great book–there’s so much good stuff coming out now–we are blessed to live in The Information Age!

Want to live longer, while being happier and healthier? Who doesn’t? Is there any ONE thing we can do to achieve this goal? It turns out that there is! The secret is given in a new book called, ‘Why Good Things Happen To Good People’ by Post and Neimark.

If you have been following the current enthusiasm about the film The Secret, you know that the more you believe in yourself, the more you can achieve in your life. Learning to love and accept yourself fully and holding onto your dreams of achievement frees you to be yourself more gloriously and fully.

So, what’s the REAL secret? If you want to be healthier, happier and longer-lived, you can do it by becoming more generous. Once you love yourself, why not spread the wealth to others? Generosity is about giving—your time, your attention, your skills and knowledge, your compassion and kindness– to others.

Is this just one more fuzzy feelgood New Age theory, filled with hope and short on research? Not at all. Finally, there is respectable research to back up these ideas. Here are some of the results:

“ Giving protects the giver at all ages and stages of life….we have about 500 serious scientific studies that demonstrate the power of unselfish love to enhance health.” (p. 7-8)

“ Giving in high school predicts good physical and mental health all the way into late adulthood, a time interval of over 50 years.”

This conclusion comes from one of the longest studies of human behavior on record, initiated at UC Berkley in the 1920’s. Nearly 200 individuals were interviewed in detail every decade about their lives, health, etc. This data is unique because of its longevity, detail and deep insight into real lives.

“Giving reduces mortality significantly in later life, even when you start late. This new study comes from Doug Oman of UC Berkley. Oman has followed almost 2000 individuals over the age of 55 for five years. Those who volunteer for two or more organizations have an impressive 44% lower likelihood of dying—and that’s after sifting out every other contributing factor, including physical health, exercise, gender, smoking, marital status and much more. That reduction in mortality is truly impressive considering it is stronger than that associated with mobility (39%), exercising four times/week (30%), or attendance at religious services (29%). The only activity with a slightly higher effect is to stop smoking (which reduces mortality by 49%).” (p.8)

Other findings conclude that giving reduces adolescent depression and suicide risk. This is especially important for boys, who are more at risk; girls generally are more giving and reap the benefits accordingly.

One of the most fascinating conclusions to come from the research shown in this book is this: Giving is more powerful than receiving in reducing mortality. The old saw that “It is better to give than to receive” is actually borne out by the data! Whether you are praying for others or helping them through emotional difficulties, your benefit will exceed that of those who receive your attentions.

And, it feels good to help others.

“The helper’s high’ was named by Allen Luks as far back as 1988. A full 50% of helpers reported feeling ‘high’ when they helped others, while 43% felt stronger and more energetic. An astonishing 13% even experienced fewer aches and pains.” (p. 10)
“Helping others increases your sense of control and counteracts low self-esteem.” (p.11)

If you don’t know where to begin a life of giving, the authors talk about four domains in which you can give (Family, Friends, Community and Humanity) and 10 different ways you can give, which correlate with your personality.

There are tests included in the book associated with each of the ten ways to give, and you can find or measure your own style of giving by taking the tests and seeing which style most suits you.

The ten ways of giving are: Celebration, Generativity, Forgiveness, Courage, Humor, Respect, Compassion, Loyalty, Listening, and Creativity. The book abounds in stories that give you inspiring examples of how each style looks and feels, and how you can begin right now, right where you are, to add more to your life by adding to others’ lives.

Perhaps all you need to do is Listen to someone so they feel heard, seen and validated. It’s not a small thing—and it might be your special gift to others—your ability to listen deeply to them and ‘just be’ with them so they feel more alive.

For me, daily life is filled with individual interactions; we ‘collide’ with others like pinballs (or quantum particles) every day. Are the others enhanced (happier, more cheerful, inspired) because they encountered us? That’s the one question I ask myself; “Was our interaction a blessing for that person?”

By keeping that intention bright within myself, I can be more Present, more giving every moment, for each person I meet. If I’m not being a blessing at this moment, perhaps it will wake me up to do better the next moment of this day. (Don’t we always know when we might have done better?)

This could be the easiest, most pleasant practice you could add to your life—the REAL secret to creating a long, happy, healthy life.

Perhaps the Torah said it best: “If I am not for myself, who will be? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?”